Many people engage in a pattern I refer to as “makesureing.” No, that’s not a real word -- yet. However, we hear it every day. Here’s the story of the first time I noticed this word:
Years ago, when my sons were very young, I watched as my youngest slowly pulled himself up to stand, wobbling slightly and trying to learn to walk on his own. His older brother, around 3 at the time, started dancing in circles around him, holding his hands up as if to spot him. I asked my older son what he was doing, and he said, “I’m makesureing he doesn’t fall down.”
In that moment, it hit me hard – makesureing is what so many of us do when we care about someone, worry about them, and want things to go well for them. But instead of expressing that care directly, it gets translated into efforts to make sure things happen a certain way.
On the surface, this can look like attentiveness, kindness, or responsibility. However it often functions as a form of control. And importantly, it does not work.
In reality, as adorable as it was to see my oldest trying to care for his brother, there is no world in which a toddler can actually make sure a baby stays upright. Yet, he will expend massive amounts of energy trying to impact his brother’s experience. In the end, not only can he not keep his brother safe, he might actually become resentful, overly invested, or come to see his brother as incapable of learning without his support. On the other side, if people “makesure” in our direction, it can subtly imply that they don’t think we are capable or competent to manage our own experiences, emotions, or consequences.
The underlying assumption is subtle but powerful: If I do enough, say it the right way, or anticipate effectively enough, I can influence—or manage—another person’s internal state or behavior.
That assumption is rarely examined, but it has consequences.
First, it tends to create an imbalance in responsibility. One person becomes increasingly vigilant and effortful, while the other may become more passive, resistant, or dependent. Over time, this dynamic can produce exactly the outcomes the “makesureing” was intended to prevent.
Second, it reduces clarity in the relationship. When communication is organized around managing outcomes rather than expressing reality, it becomes harder to know what each person actually thinks, feels, or wants.
Third, it is often costly to the person doing it. “Makesureing” requires sustained attention to another person’s reactions, which can crowd out awareness of one’s own internal experience. It is effortful, and it rarely produces a stable sense of security.
Letting go of this pattern is not about becoming indifferent or uninvolved. It is about recalibrating responsibility.
In most relationships, each person is responsible for:
This can feel like a loss of control, particularly for people who are accustomed to holding things together. In reality, it often leads to a more stable and reciprocal dynamic—one in which both people are more visible and more accountable.
Care does not require control. When the two are disentangled, relationships tend to become both clearer and more sustainable. Yes, the baby might fall a few times as he learns to walk. But he will learn, and if he is allowed to experience his own consequences, he will develop the confidence to ask for help when he actually needs it.
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